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totino's ad campaign

totino's ad campaign
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okay, there are these commercials on TV about a thing called "totino's pizza rolls." apparently it is a very tiny hot pocket. the gimmick seems to be that kids can prepare this food themselves (not sure how this is any different from every other convenience food). of all the features these cubes have, the commercial focuses on taste as a selling point. obviously, frozen cubes of bleached white flour taste great no matter what.
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so this kid microwaves a bag of these things, then serves them to his friends in the middle of the night. he warns they must be quiet, i guess to avoid waking his parents. but it turns out the cubes are so delicious his friends are unable to stay quiet. "i love totino's pizza rolls!" screams the first taster.
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as screams erupt from everyone, the betrayed boy-chef expresses dismay at the punishment which will surely follow. oh, i jest. his parents will probably eat the cubes themselves after they come downstairs, then surely forgive him for the ruckus. they will warm their hands around the microwave and laugh heartily.
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i am inspired to help totino's pizza rolls' inspirational project. here are three more totino's commercials submitted for your approval. i should warn you, my girlfriend thinks these are pointless and "not funny at all."
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1. a musty funeral parlor, small town USA. old woman lies dead in casket. family stands nearby, many of them weeping. a table has tea and snacks. a suburban-looking american (wearing cargo pants and an abercrombie shirt) picks up one of the snacks and wanders next to the coffin. he chews the food and his eyes get big, as he knocks over the coffin screaming "i love totino's pizza rolls!"
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2. rural italy, 1966. a group of old men are silent, gathered around a victrola radio, listening to a soccer game. the reception is unclear, but if you listen closely... suddenly the announcer gets louder. their team has a chance to score. the men rise from their seats, focused and silent. just as the announcer's is most excited, the suburban-looking american screams "i love totino's pizza rolls!" the old men did not hear the goal, so they pummel the american with their fists, screaming "baffanculo" as he holds his totino's box and weeps.
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3. dark attic, berlin, 1942. a gaunt family, dressed in rags, huddles around a lantern. "shh" says the kerchiefed grandmother, pointing down. through cracks in floorboards, they see nazis below, walking through their house. the suburban-looking american quietly puts a square of food into his mouth, chews it, then screams "i love totino's pizza rolls!" gunfire erupts from below until the family lies dead. the suburban-looking american is bleeding a lot. he takes one last bite before dying, and whispers to the camera, "i... love... totino's..."

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